Getting Right What We Say!

Week 1: “You” Messages

This month we’re taking some time to think about some of the things that ‘Big People’ say.
 
 The reality is, that what we say to our children has a long and lasting impact, well into their
 
 future. Every honest parent can confess to a moment of hearing something come out of our
 
 mouths, directed at our child, that really should have been left unsaid. It’s so easy for our
 
 words to slip out! A child’s mind is full of questions, perhaps the greatest of which is “Who
 
 am I?”, “What kind of person am I?”, “Where do I fit in?” Our Little Ones answer these
 
 questions from the things they hear and experience. Whether the message is “You are so
 
 clumsy” or “You’re a great listener”, these statements from important ‘Big People’ will go
 
 deeply and firmly into a child’s unconsciousness. Let’s make sure that we are sending our
 
 gorgeous Little People the right “You” messages. Messages about skills and abilities are
 
 good, but messages that affirm their character and their innate value will go right to their
 
 heart, answering their big question. Your child will be able to say with confidence “I am…”
 
 What are some quality ‘You’ messages you can send your child? How about starting with
 
 some of these: generous, loving, kind, strong, brave, courageous, helpful, hopeful,
 
 trustworthy, joyful….

Week 2: Be Honest

What we say has a lasting impact on our children. If we’re honest, we can probably think of
 
 a time when we’ve tried to push aside our feelings and say the bright, positive words we
 
 think our children want to hear. Children pick up on far more than our words. They are busy
 
 reading ALL the signals we are sending. Don’t pretend to be happy or loving when you aren’t
 
 feeling that way. It’s confusing for our children when our words don’t match what they are
 
 experiencing. We can be honest about our feelings without upsetting or putting our children
 
 down. They can handle “I’m really tired today”, or “Right now I’m feeling angry…, especially
 
 if this matches what they have sensed all along. It’s good for our children to realise that we
 
 are human too! Labelling our emotions is also important as it teaches them the vocabulary
 
 that is important for their own self-regulation. This week when you are tempted to plaster
 
 on a smile or lash out with angry words, take a breath and calmly tell your child how you
 
 REALLY feel.

Week 3: Tell it like it is

Children can handle the truth. In fact, they crave the security of knowing that the important
 
 ‘Big People’ in their lives can be trusted to be honest. Sometimes in moments of frustration
 
 we may say something wildly untrue such as “If you don’t stop that, the policeman will
 
 come to get you” or “You’re so naughty! Nan and pop won’t want to visit you anymore!”. Our children take us at
 
 our word. As they move through the world they test our credibility about what they hear
 
 and experience from others. In times of frustration, instead of arguing or threatening, it’s ok
 
 to put our foot down and say, “Because I say so”. There is never anything to be gained from
 
 using scare tactics and threats. When our children encounter dishonesty later in life, they
 
 will at least know that some ‘Big People’ are trustworthy and safe to be around. Let’s lead
 
 our Little Ones with truth and love, and leave the scare tactics behind.

Week 4: Replenish Your Resources

This month we have been focusing on the impact that our spoken words have on our Little
 
 Ones. We’ve talked about sending the right ‘You’ messages, being honest about our
 
 feelings, and leaving out the scare tactics. Getting it ‘right’ is a challenge for all parents, and
 
 it is easy to be overwhelmed by feelings of regret and guilt. Tension can become the norm.
 
 Let’s finish the month by thinking about the importance of dealing with tension. When we
 
 are stressed it is easier to take out our frustration and anger on our partners and children,
 
 saying things we really know we shouldn’t. It’s hard to stop the words slipping out. We need
 
 to pause for a moment and ask ourselves “Who am I really angry with?”, “Why am I feeling
 
 so uptight?”. The relief of verbally lashing out is always short-lived. Managing our stress is
 
 so important for managing our relationships. We need to tackle our tension to improve our
 
 communication. How can you fit something that refreshes and relaxes you into your
 
 routine?

Written by Alison,

Principal Speech Pathologist

Newcastle Speech Pathology

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